Show Her She's Wonderful

[debrief: if you know me irl please refrain from discussing anything I say online in person, unless brought up by myself. Which most likely…wont be. Feel free to ask questions and stuff on here. But out in the real world…I’m not strong enough for that kind of authenticity]

(Trigger Warnings, suicide, self harm, depression, anorexia, bulimia)

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)

BDD began to affect me very early in life, I believe it began when i was 10, but it reached its high point when I was 13 and has continued up until a year ago, I still have times where I suffer from my reflection, but it’s not frequent at all now and usually only happens when I’m very triggered.

I have always been picked on for my physical features. I’ve always been a tall, big hipped girl.

However, 10 year olds are not privy to these ideas unless others older point them out, my mother was very adamant about making me a healthy child, always pointing out that I need to eat healthy, this was not a big deal for me, because on my street the kids ALWAYS played outside and never took breaks.

However, I was a new student at a new school and became the victim of new bullies.

They were the super 7, now I’m not saying this as a joke. Or to be cute… They nicknamed themselves this and straight from day one created a living hell at school for me.

The 7:

E

K

H

C

R

J

JS

These girls were ON TOP of the elementary food chain…

They made all the sports teams. I made none. They had all of the boys “crushing” on them. I had none. And worst of all, they were all skinny as could be.

My problem was not that I was fat. Quite the opposite actually, I wasn’t fat at all, I was perfect for my height, perfectly healthy. However, these girls, the boys and my mothers healthy ideals all bundled together told me I was fat.

Everyday at school I was taunted by the kids with names like : Fatty, Sumo, Shamu, Whale, Fattass… You get the point. It became so severe that daily I found letters in my locker covered in hateful words against me.

I did nothing to deserve any of this. I hardly stepped foot in this school long enough to breathe…

Through that year and the last 3 years I was in elementary school it was so severe that I believed whole heartedly that I was 230 pounds. When I looked in the mirror I didn’t see me. At.All.

People find this hard to believe, and honestly I found it hard to believe too, because I didn’t fully grasp how horrible my disorder was until I was 17, 8 months ago when I was found a video of my old school musical.

I was 13, and watching that film all I could do was cry. 

Because there was no 230 pound girl there, this girl was so thin, this girl was 130 pounds and crying inside because everyone called her disgusting. Thinking about this time is so hard for me because all I can feel is the pain that these kids caused me, but I see the pictures and I sicken myself. 

I was a beautiful little girl, who couldn’t look in the mirror because she was disgusted with herself. I was a beautiful little girl who self harmed so that maybe she could feel something. A little girl who hated herself because she couldn’t even starve herself, or didn’t have the guts to throw up her dinner.

A little girl who thought she was a waste of space. 

I was a little girl, and I was tortured by words.

Never.Ever.Ever. Believe words can’t break you.

AND NEVER EVER EVER JUST STAND BY AND WATCH IT HAPPEN.

Don’t allow people to ruin your life however. 

The past 2 years I’ve become better friends with amazing people, amazing people that have given me amazing confidence, a few I could name off the top of my head are: Annie, Elle, Kira, Emily, Becca, Ashley, Katelynn and Shannon. You girls have been amazing for me, because you love me for me and looks are second to you in relationships. It helps that you all compliment me too haha.

The key to finding beauty within yourself is making the huge inward choice to think better about yourself, cut ties with those people who make you feel terrible about yourself, those you bring up terrible memories, those who bring up any unpleasant feelings at all!!!

RID YOURSELF OF THE NEGATIVITY AND YOU CAN BEGIN TO FIND PEACE WITHIN YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!

You’re all beautiful and you all deserve to feel this way, girls shouldn’t be made to feel terrible about themselves, they shouldn’t be made to want to hurt themselves because they don’t feel worthy of anything else. 

WE SHOULDN’T BE PRESSURED BY THE MEDIA AND IT’S HORRIBLE BULLYING OF WOMEN IN GENERAL.

I would never wish for anyone to go through what I’ve been through, however I would never wish I hadn’t been through it myself.

I t made me an amazingly strong and BRAVE person and now it’s hard to believe I can’t get through anything. 

I HOPE ALL OF YOU WILL LEARN FROM THIS AND BE BRAVE TOO <3

SHOWHERSHESWONDERFUL-PLEDGE WITH ME!!!!!!!