**Trigger warning for self-harm, abuse, and just self-loathing in general**
I’ve never been considered, by myself or anyone else, “conventionally pretty.” I’m not super thin and I have child bearing hips and I’ve just never been really confident in myself.
On top of that, I’ve never had a very good home life. Verbal and physical abuse have been thrown around like nobody’s business, which led to me always having self esteem issues. I remember being 13 years old and in 7th grade making myself throw up because although I wasn’t overweight, I wasn’t super skinny either. I was average. And that wasn’t good enough for me.
When I was 13, I also started self-harming. I would mainly do it on my legs, where no one could see, because god forbid anyone found out. I already didn’t have any friends, I couldn’t handle being a freak who couldn’t control her emotions, too.
All throughout grade school, I didn’t have many friends. I remember being 8 years old and going to see Harry Potter for the first time, and instantly being hooked. From then on, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were my new friends.
When I was 13, at the start of 8th grade I finally found a niche. I met my best friend, who I’m still friends with 5 years later, and she is one of the best things to ever happen to me. I still struggled, but things got better. And then I started high school. I developed such bad anxiety that I missed about 2 months of my freshman year because I hated school. I hated it so much that I would throw up every morning so I wouldn’t have to go. I eventually almost didn’t pass, so I had to start going. Once again, things got better.
10th grade was the best year. I joined the marching band. I had a bunch of friends. That summer I found Team StarKid, who saved my life in more ways than one. They gave me a reason to smile again. Summer came and went, and I entered 11th grade. Which was the hardest year of my life. I was still self-harming, and it had gotten very bad. I barely made it through the year. I failed classes, didn’t do any work, and lost motivation to do everything. That was my last year of band, too, which led to me pulling away from everyone. That summer was hard. I was miserable. That was until I saw this tweet: “Dude. There’s always something to smile about. Always.” That’s what got me through the summer.
Senior year came, and I just wanted to get the hell out of there. I hated everyone. I stopped talking to a lot of people. I was so terribly depressed and I didn’t even know what to do with myself. Winter came and everyone was talking about Team StarKid’s new production: Starship. I knew there was no way I could go, which really upset me. I just wanted to tell them all how they helped me. I had already been on tumblr for about a year at this time, so one of my followers came to me and offered to get Joey Richter to speak to me on the phone. I freaking DIED. She said she might not be able to get it, but there was a chance, so I held on to it.
That night, I waited by the phone until midnight, ready to give up. It wasn’t going to happen. Until about 10 minutes later, she called, and said she was standing right in front of Joey. I almost threw up. Eventually I got to talk to him and tell him how wonderful I thought he was, and he was the sweetest person ever. I cried for 3 hours. StarKid was my entire life. Fast-forward to April, when I found out that not only was Starship coming out on my birthday, but they were doing screenings. I ended up getting tickets and going with a friend, and it was the best birthday I ever had.
I felt good for a while. I met my idols. But depression creeped back to me, I started cutting again, just waiting to graduate. One night in June, I was sitting on my bed, razor in hand, opening old scars, when my Itunes switched. Status Quo came on, and something just broke inside me. This wasn’t me. I shouldn’t be doing this. Nobody would want this for me. And from then on I stopped. I threw every blade away. I haven’t cut in almost 8 months.
In June I had the pleasure of seeing Darren at Irving Plaza, which changed my life. 2 days later I started an organization called I’m Not Sad Today, which focuses on helping teens and young adults with depression. We’ve gained support from some pretty amazing people, including some of the Starkids. My friends went to LeakyCon and gave the StarKids a sign, and Joey ended up tweeting a picture of himself holding it, which promptly caused me to break down. In November I got to go to the SPACE tour, and meet Joey Richter and thank him for everything. I also got to meet Darren Criss, and thank him for everything he’s done for my friends and told him about INST. It was one of the best days of my life.
If you’re going through a rough time right now, just remember that you’re not alone. Things do get better. I’m living proof of that. Keep holding on, because although everything seems dark now, you will find the light. You deserve to.
<3
harrypotterybarn/formerly lupincantsing
